Thanks

Over the years, I've had a number of occasions where friends or family suffered some tragedy that I couldn't quite understand, or maybe I just didn't feel the same depths of that pain. My natural tendency was and is to want to help them however I could. Sometimes that meant talking about it. Sometimes it meant intentionally not talking about it. Sometimes it meant just being there. When I'd ask how I could help and someone would respond that there was nothing I could do, I didn't understand. Surely they meant there was nothing they wanted me to do. Sometimes I felt like they didn't want to burden me (even though I would've gladly accepted that burden) and other times I thought they just wanted to be alone.

The past three months have been the roughest and lowest of my life. I had no way to grasp how my mother felt losing her dad at 31 until I lost mine at 29. There are many days that feel like they go on forever - Groundhog Day only without the happy ending and with a lot more tears. And there are many more where I feel in a fog. Not happy, not sad. Just here. I've had many people - friends, family, coworkers - ask how they can help. And I now know why those same people I'd asked previously said there was nothing they can do. Many times there isn't. It's not that I don't want to burden them or want to be alone. It's literally that there's nothing they can specifically do, no one action or gesture, that can bring me back to my August 10th self. There's nothing anyone can do to fill that hole.

What I've learned and now have an appreciation for, is that's okay. I'll never be that person again. My responsibility to myself and my family is to find my new way forward. Sometimes it's not easy, and involves having a stage 5 meltdown in a Chipotle. Other times, it's watching West Coast football at 2am because I don't want to try to sleep. It's messy and I wish I didn't have to go through it, but it's what I now face. And I can't possibly imagine going and getting through this without a multitude of strangers who do nothing more than live their sometimes ridiculous lives documented in 140-character bursts and ten-second dog/food/selfie snaps.

Just seeing all of you go on about your days helps more than I could describe. It's the inane topics of regional accents and types of pie that have saved two days this week for me (out of two). One of the cruelest realities I face every day is a world without my dad in it. But one of the things that keeps me going is that the world, even after him, moves forward. You guys go to work and school and go on dates and play with your kids and take pictures of your dogs and I love it all. It's the most therapeutic thing I've found. I've tried talking to people - it helps in small bits. I've tried pushing those thoughts aside - they're everywhere. I've tried eating and running and drinking and all eventually wear off and lead back to square one. But y'all are never back at square one. You're going to new restaurants and writing letters to each other and studying for exams and going on about your days. And that helps me more than anything else.

So if you see me, give me a hug because I'm a hugger and shaking hands is lame. But otherwise, live your life and make your days as full as you like. Just make sure your phone is charged so I can share in it too.